Dr Siobhan McCarthy , clinical psychologist and expert in sexual functioning shares her thoughts on how to approach sexuality after sexual assault.
When anyone is traumatised, their brain is on red alert for danger signs. Any similarity to the original trauma will trigger a phobic fear response or make someone hypervigilant to any potential threats. After sexual assault you are likely to be more jumpy or sensitive to
certain types of touch. For that person, the more the present circumstances seem similar to the original trauma, the stronger the emotional fear response will be. The person may move into the fight or flight response. However, there is a third reaction – the freeze response. This can occur as a result of being triggered by a previous similar trauma. This could lead a traumatised person to suddenly shut down emotionally, get angry, reject their partner or attempt to leave the situation. What things should you consider when re-engaging in sexual activity?
1. Wait until you are feeling ready
When it comes to initiating or engaging in sexual intimacy, it is important the traumatised person feels ready to re-engage in sexual activity. It is vital the person does not feel under any pressure. If put, even inadvertently, under pressure the person may have a fear response or become over compliant which may be against their will. As a partner in this instance, you need to check clearly that your partner is sexually willing and gives consent otherwise it will build fear, further trauma or long-term resentments. The traumatised person should be encouraged to share anything that feels uncomfortable or unsafe to them.
2. Be honest about your experience
If this is a new relationship it is important the person feels able to be honest and share their prior trauma experiences rather than try and hide them or avoid sexual activity. As a partner, be patient and let your partner explain how it has affected them. It can be very hard to hear how the person you love has been traumatised or hurt in the past in some way. Try not to bring your own feeling into it too much as this can lead your partner to close up or feel ashamed or worried about the distress it causes you or others.
3. Go at the traumatised person pace
When it comes to thinking or re-engaging in sexuality activity, it is vital the person traumatised is able to take things at their own pace. If the person traumatised does begin to have a fear response, flashbacks, or in any way begins to feel uncomfortable, it is best to pause any sexual activity, even momentarily, to allow the person to calm down and to emotionally realise they are not back in that trauma experience. When your partner has calmed down, intimacy can continue.
4. Be patient
Partners need to be really patient and allow their partner to take control of the initiation or the speed of any sexual activity. If the trauma was sexually related, it is very likely they may experience flashbacks or shame feelings during sex which can be very upsetting, disorienting and interrupt sexual feelings or interest. Partners need to be aware even if their partner rejects or pauses their advances this is perfectly normal for a traumatised person and there is nothing to feel ashamed or worried about.
5. Don’t take offense if your partner has to pause
You should not be offended if your partner is hesitating or declines sex in that moment. Time, patience and pacing are of primary importance in this area. If after three to four months you are still struggling to progress in this area, it might mean your partner or
you as a couple may need to consider professional help to overcome any trauma or phobia responses which remain as a result of a traumatic experience. Reassure that you love and care for them and you are willing to take things at their pace, when they are ready.
6. Remember such events can lead to depression anxieties and flashback
Trauma can lead people to experience mental health issues such as post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), anxiety and depression. Such emotions like depression can reduce a person’s motivation and interest in sex. Reduced libido can cause problems between a couple. As a partner, you need again to be patient, share your wish to love them and to be physically close to them, but respect if they are not ready or unable to engage sexually.
7. What not to say to your partner.
Don’t put pressure on your partner, tell them they should be over this by now or blame them for the lack of sexual activity in your relationship. Do show patience and understanding and encourage the person to speak about how they feel and allow them to take control so it is clear when they are ready to engage in sexual activity.
You can both move towards being more sexually active when they feel ready and at their own pace so that the fear responses are not triggered. Do remember most of the people I work with do not want to have sexual issues after trauma. This is something happening to them beyond their control, but with patience, pacing and, where appropriate, professional help, you can both go a long way to recovering pre-trauma levels of sexual activity.
If you have been affected by any of the above contact me and my team of senior grade Doctors of Psychology with experience in trauma, low mood, flashback and sexual anxieties. Don’t suffer in silence. www.drmccarthy.co.uk
